To anyone out there that may still check on my site from time to time- no, I haven’t fallen off of the face of the Earth. When I started my site last year, it was going very well… at first. You see, all of my life I seem to have a sort or repellence to technology. I’ve started writing many books only to get about a quarter of the way done and have my computer crash on me, thus losing all of my work. Just like clockwork the same thing happened last year. Our computer crashed and not only that, despite my best efforts to save my work to a flash drive, I still lost everything. All of my articles, poetry and photography, gone in an instant. I was down and discouraged, and I didn’t believe I would ever be able to recover my website, so I let the matter rest for a while.
Then, in September of last year, my father passed away. It was a complicated relationship and I was in for a ride on a dizzying roller coaster of guilt, anger, frustration and grief. Another blow came in January when a cousin of mine passed away. He was a young man in his early thirties, and though we weren’t in close contact, it affected me deeply. So much loss can really make you wonder what the point of everything is.
In the midst of it all, my husband and I had a big decision to make and ended up moving from our home of 12 years, purchasing a new home and starting a business. It has been 8 months since dad passed and 2 since we moved and took on quite a bit of financial responsibility.
Through the stress, the grief, the loneliness and the nagging philosophical thoughts that swarmed my brain, I had a light bulb moment. I made the decision to go back to school to earn a BA Degree in psychology. The thing is I have always been searching for what it is that I feel I am meant to do. Many days and nights were spent trying to come up with what I thought was it, my golden idea, my saving grace, and many more days and nights drenched in defeat when I realized that yet again, this idea wasn’t “the one”. Finally, as if the pieces of the puzzle had fit together all along, I realized that what I really want to do is help people. I want to leave this world a better place than when I found it. I want to be of service in some way. It’s why I write and share stories and ideas. It’s why I am so passionate about helping the planet and all of those living beings that depend on it. It’s the reason that I’ve been so frustrated with the job that I do have, which is supposed to be about helping people but only really dedicates itself to looking good on paper. I plan to break generational cycles of anxiety and depression in my family and at the same time, I still want to remain true to myself.
I will learn even if people think I’m too old.
I will write, even if people don’t like it or think poetry is for “losers”.
I will be a mom no matter what.
I will pick up trash, go strawless, eat less meat and refuse to by single use plastic even if people think I’m weird or that climate change is a “Libtard Hoax”.
And I will stand on my soapbox, saying whatever it is I have to say until one way or another, people join me on my quest to make a difference.